I just can't be alone right now. Because then it's just me and my mind - duking it out.
The Guilty, Unworthy, Failure and Co.
Yogini, I have the tools: I go IN. And the deeper I dive the darker it gets. No amount of company, affection, wine, friendship, reassurance, support from without is enough. Not even a full day of transmitting teachings of Yoga to highly receptive seekers is enough. To end the tunnel. To fill the void. To ease the vacuum suction of space - eternal, endless, dark, alone and empty.
Is a dark force trying to destroy me? A curse? A ghost? Then I remember: they are Bhutas - ghosts that live in empty spaces. Of course! I uprooted myself from the only fullness I knew: 25 year old relationship, home, family, country. There is now a lot of empty space - and I CREATED IT. Of my own volition. Yes, I did. I willfully chose loneliness, uncertainty, anxiety, and fear. Was I clueless? Unaware? Unprepared?
C'mon, Natasha - even your critics see you far too intelligent to be fooled like this. You chose this consciously. You did. Perhaps you saw the dark half of your self that you've been dying to love all your life? And now you get to. He is the tunnel. Niceties aside: go get him, Goddess.
OM Namah Shivaya.
Duke it on out - there is peace between wars. War must take place for peace to exist. The dark must exist for light to be seen. Silence must exist for sound to be heard. Void must exist to feel my own fullness. Get it, Goddess? You are it.
Not here to prove anything to anybody. And no one needs to understand me. I only need to understand myself. In the end, it's all about Me, my Self, and God. This page is just a sharing of little moments of connection, for your reading pleasure if you wish.